My friend James used to tell me that all the time. He's my twin in many ways, a divine reflection of the parts of me i can't see, as i am to him. He's also a Capricorn with a lot of Sagittarian influence, like me. At one time i really did not understand what he meant. For me, there was always a caveat--for example, what about when bad things happen to good people, or what about when other people set out to destroy you? By this quote, it would imply that i somehow must have ASKED for the drama, the torment, the anguish, the nasty influences. I refused to believe that i was in any way responsible for the meanies in my life or the poverty and ill health i was suffering at the time. I thought that i was a good person and deserved better, but for some reason had been dealt a bad hand.
I went on that way for quite some time. And i was suicidal several times, nearly homicidal once, quite vicious and negative, incredibly depressed and hopeless all the time. It seemed that no matter what i did, my life was still shitty. I was stuck at home with two kids, my relationship had completely fallen apart, i had no love in my life, wasn't happy with my appearance, wasn't inspired to make art or music anymore, and was living out of the food bank. I felt like i had no real friends and no connection with any family members, but couldn't stand being alone. I spent my time in chat rooms talking about nothing, and on Ebay trying to hustle my thrift store finds for a few bucks to buy diapers. There was no joy in my life, not even with my children, who felt like little more than a burden to me. I felt as if i couldn't do anything i wanted to do because i was a parent, and wondered how long it would be before i could get back into the things that brought me joy.
Meanwhile, the tension in my relationship with the kids' father was mounting. He had his own pressures and frustrations, and i certainly wasn't helping. If anything, i was bringing him down even more. He wasn't supporting his family, he was barely scraping by as if he were a bachelor, often leaving me to cover the bills and rent on my scant work-at-home income. I was very angry and resentful toward him. I couldn't leave town because he threatened to come after me with the law, but staying in the same area with a man who no longer loved me and refused to support me even while 9 months pregnant was just too much to bear. He hardly ever came home anymore, because when he did, he opened to door to a raging bull every day. I hated myself, i hated him, and i hated my life. I knew i had to find a way out of this situation.
I never could have foreseen the manner in which it all took place. From that crisis point to where i am today, it seems like a long and tortured dream. To give all the details that led up to my life-altering revelations would take hours to type, so i will suffice to say that there's a reason the Chinese word for "crisis" is the same as the word for "opportunity". Everything came to a head, and as the dust settled, i found the most profound enlightenment through the choices the Universe seemed to be making for me. It helped me to realize what a control freak i had been, trying to maneuver people, events and objects around the gaping hole in my soul. When i was forced to surrender and let my life happen organically, for the first time ever i got a taste of what peace feels like. There were things i just couldn't do, and instead of forcing them as i'd always done, i felt guided to simply put my energy the things i _could_ do, change the things i _could_ change, and let the rest be. Once i got a taste of peace like that, i wanted more. I decided to see what would happen if i shut my mouth for a minute and listen. And what i heard was the whispers of the Divine telling me that it's all supposed to be this way, exactly, so don't worry. I was instructed to turn my attention inward and heal my broken heart, open the gateway to my soul, and REMEMBER. I feel that i died and was reborn in this process...and on the other side, i remembered how it all works. Today i feel called to share this with anyone who might stumble upon it, as they may have been guided here by forces beyond their capacity to understand.
This is how it all works:
You are the creator of all that you attract.
You are being guided to make the choices you make, in every minute. What is guiding you? You decide. If you are being guided by all the pain and fear built up in you since birth, or from past lifetimes, then the choices you make will cause you more pain and fear because you haven't learned your lessons. If you are guided by the black hole in your soul that you forgot how to mend, you will be a vampire and suck energy out of everyone you contact because you are unconsciously trying to fill that vortex. The Tibetans speak of the Hungry Ghosts, who have mouths the size of a needle's eye and a stomach the size of a mountain. They are constantly hungry, but cannot feed their hunger enough to satisfy them, so they are forever in anguish and longing. If you are guided by your hunger, then you will starve. Conversely, if you can find your way back to the source and remember how to trust that the Universe will provide you with everything you need, the hunger dissipates. You can then turn your attention toward healing, recovering, renewing yourself and being an asset to humanity. When you become healthy in your mind, body and soul, you will attract positive things, people and situations. This is how it works, and you just have to trust that this is true. The single most important thing any of us can do is be healthy. Everything else falls into place around that. Physical, mental and spiritual health are all equally important. The healthier we are, the more health we attract. If you take a look at your life and see that the people close to you are all sick in one way or another, that is a sign that you need to improve your own health, far more than you need to try and fix the people around you. If you allow those people to drain you, all of you will suffer. Learn to recognize your boundaries, and communicate them with love and respect. It is ok to tell people that you need to focus on your own healing at this time and that they need to stay away from you until they can be a positive influence in your life. You deserve to assert your need for peace and health, as they ultimately lead to true happiness. You may not remember happiness, and may be comfortable in misery, but this can be transformed. You have to believe that it can, but it starts with genuinely wanting happiness.
There are issues we all struggle with. I realized that a lot of my problems stemmed from a fear of abandonment, and feeling that i was not loved and accepted by my mother. Once i accepted those fears at face value, i was able to separate them from my current relationship issues. I also chose to focus on the qualities of my partner that i appreciated, respected and loved, instead of honing in on the negative ones. What occurred is that i began seeing more and more of those qualities. After years of trying to manipulate him with my will, i learned that i could get what i wanted just by feeling unconditional love for him. These "experiments" led me to a new way of approaching life, and i continued to test out what sounded initially like New Age drivel. I discovered that it's all true--i DO create my own reality, and i can choose what kind of life i want to live. Suddenly there was no such thing as depression anymore. When things didn't go my way, i simply accepted that they weren't meant to be at that time, and remained open to the possibility that things might work out at another time, or that perhaps some new information was needed for me to accomplish my goals. When bad things happened to me, I looked within for the possible reasons i had attracted a bad situation or lack of income. It was then that i made the decision to dedicate most of my energy toward being as clear a channel as i could possibly be.
I started a raw and living foods diet in June of 2007. I also began regular advanced yoga classes with a challenging instructor. I was already abstaining from drugs, alcohol and caffeine, but the raw food diet made me even more certain that i wanted no toxins in my body. Finally i accepted that my body is a vessel for divine life force energy and my communications with Spirit must be clear if i wish to evolve into the visionary artist i feel i was meant to be. Within a month of beginning this new lifestyle, i had lost 20 lbs. and was glowing radiantly. Everywhere i went, people seemed drawn to me and reacted with warm smiles and genuine affection. My whole demeanor changed--no longer was i irritable and short-tempered, i was calm and at peace even in my sleep. Over the next six months, my ability to stay 100% raw waxed and waned. But what has kept me driven for most of the time has been comparing the way i feel and interact with the world, with the way i used to do so. What i've discovered is that whatever i put into my system, that's what i get out of it, and concurrently that is what i attract from the outside world. As of today, i have lost approximately 28 pounds and my skin has cleared up. I have also been able to manifest exactly what i need and it comes in the form of large sums of money which i use to fund my creative endeavors and pay bills. I am meeting the most incredible, loving, talented people i've ever known, and they are all interested in being a part of my life. The only times i find myself reverting to some of my old ways are when i am premenstrual and have strayed from my diet. But even then, i have the awareness to be able to recognize the pattern and keep myself in check so i don't take my frustrations out on other people. It usually means i quarantine myself until i feel better, and just focus inward with my art, yoga and meditation. I've learned that it's ok to feel anger, as long as you can find out the source of it and address that rather than simply venting on others. What usually underlies anger is fear, if you trace it deeply enough.
I would advocate a raw and living foods diet for everyone, as it is the way nature intended for us to nourish ourselves and it has proven effective in reversing disease as well as aging. However, i understand that most people could not even conceive of making such a dramatic lifestyle change, so what i advise people most often is to simply get to know themselves inside and out. There are so many distractions in this world, from television to alcohol to sex to money to sports...on and on goes the list of things people can devote their attention to--anything other than what lies deep inside of them. By making self-knowledge a priority, I have been able to eliminate Borderline Personality Disorder traits such as addictive behavior and rage, i've learned to deconstruct and diffuse my anger, and understand how my body and mind work on the most subtle of levels. I know that i have important work to do in this lifetime, and i'm ready to take it on. I wish for everyone to realize that they are solely responsible for every aspect of their lives, and they have the power to change their reality from the very core of their being. Imagine it, express it, make it so!
